It's time for the jokes, folks!

[Glyn]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.................



Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher...

[Glyn]

The old ones are the best.... (and you'll have to be old to get this one....)


The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought
you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready
to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to
run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running
circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to
the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy
struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says..........












"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin..."

[Glyn]

The difference between the words Complete and Finished



No English dictionary has been able adequately to explain the
difference between the two words. In a recently held linguistic
competition in London, England, attended by the best in the world,
Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the
clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

Here is his answer:

The Question:

How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a
way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference
between the two.

Samsundar's Answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,

you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

[Glyn]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

------------------------------------


Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of hummus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

----------------------------------------

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

[Glyn]

I've got a solution to the goal-line technology debate

Put a bus-lane behind the goal-line and a camera will appear...

[Glyn]

A lorry containing Vicks Vapour-rub has overturned on the M6

Police say they expect no congestion for at least the next 8 hours...

[Glyn]

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?" Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess, he replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

[Lee K]

Doesn't sound as good as when I read it on that email Glyn!

[Glyn]

Doesn't sound as good as when I read it on that email Glyn!

[Lee K]

Doesn't sound as good as when I read it on that email Glyn!

Not another one of those. I think I've had as many as Camps now!

[Glyn]

Doesn't sound as good as when I read it on that email Glyn!

Not another one of those. I think I've had as many as Camps now!

We're expecting you to turn over a new leaf then....

[Glyn]

Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, So Billy goes to
Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.

Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love
And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Billy, you're only 12..Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies,
"In Lucy's room.It's bigger than mine And we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable,Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Lucy."

Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets
five pounds a week And I get 8 pounds' that's about
52 pounds a month So that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.

"Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks that Billy is adorable.

[Glyn]

(Sorry if this is old, you forget things when you get to my age....)

Panda gets home from school.

His Dad looks at him and says "Have you been fighting again?"

I love the daft ones

[Glyn]

Chris Huhne left prison yesterday... but the Police say they aren't sure who was driving...

[Glyn]

Got to one of my customers this morning and his house was singing to me!!!

"Build me up Buttercup", it sang

I asked the householder if he knew what caused this

"It's just the Foundations," he replied....

[FOZZIE]

Got to one of my customers this morning and his house was singing to me!!!

"Build me up Buttercup", it sang

I asked the householder if he knew what caused this

"It's just the Foundations," he replied....

The foundations are rocking


â–º 3:37â–º 3:37
www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ-yI2mCBAY
Sep 23, 2008 - Uploaded by the1980
Original Vocalist Colin Young of the Foundations singing The Hit Build Me

[Del]

[FOZZIE]

Taken from the i on Saturday



Have you heard the one about the internet forum thread which took the world by storm?

Scientists are not generally recognised for their sense of humour, but those disparagingly referred to as “geeks” by the more intellectually challenged of us have responded in their thousands to a question posed on the Reddit website: “What’s the most intellectual joke you know?”

The huge number of gags – and yes, many of them are funny – cover all disciplines from physics to philosophy. They range from the accessible, such as: “A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: ‘Five beers, please’,” to those that require a working knowledge of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle to understand. The joke about Benoit B Mandelbrot, (see right), for example, relies on a knowledge of the scientist’s work on fractals.

For all their highbrow intellectualism, however, the jokes follow traditional forms. They include puns: “Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s OK now” – as well as someone-walks-into-a-bar jokes and light-bulb-changing jokes (“How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None: the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution”).

There are also plenty of jokes of the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman format, where the usual protagonists are replaced by physicists, engineers and economists.

It is rather unfair to assume that there is anything improbable about science overlapping with humour. Popular TV and radio shows such as The Big Bang Theory, Infinite Monkey Cage, Museum of Curiosity and Dara O’Briain’s School Of Hard Sums happily marry science with jokes. And, as Brian Cox, the scientist and presenter of Wonders of the Universe, points out, comedians such as O’Briain and Ben Miller are physics graduates.

“There is a strange nexus between physics and comedy that I seem to be a part of,” Cox told the Daily Telegraph. “It’s a powerful if strange alliance. Dara O’Briain did mathematics and physics, and is passionate about it. Ben Miller did a PhD in physics. Robin Ince [his co-presenter on Infinite Monkey Cage] is a very good friend of mine.”

Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

[The Beerhunter]

The ones I understand are funny, some of the ones I don't understand are also funny but I don't know why....

[Glyn]

Ditto. Brilliant.

And along similar lines, what's the Spanish for "socks"?

"Eso si que es"

[Glyn]

Dracula is walking through the graveyard at Whitby when suddenly he's hit on the head by a vol-au-vent

He looks around but can't see anyone

Then he's hit on the shoulder by a sausage roll.... and on the neck by a scotch egg... and on the arm by a chicken wing....

He looks round and this time sees a young girl hiding behind a gravestone

"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT'S GOING ON?" shouts Dracula

"I'm Buffet the Vampire Slayer"

[Glyn]

Two rashers of bacon and a fried egg walk into a pub

"Hang on a minute," says the landlord

"We don't serve breakfasts."

[Glyn]

Pal of mine who didn't know who Tim Vine is heard him on the radio today and told me how good he was.

I already knew....

http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/com ... jokes.html

[Glyn]

Edinburgh Festival Joke of the Year

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01fgmzs



And then they go and spoil it all by analysing it.

Groan

[Glyn]

A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

(Should I have put this on the Travel Club forum??? )