It's time for the jokes, folks!
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Glyn
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Glyn
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
I'm trying (in vain) to find the "best 10 jokes at the Edinburgh Festival", of which I heard a few on the radio this morning.
I do remember this one:
"I watched a documentary about how ships are held together. It was riveting"
I do remember this one:
"I watched a documentary about how ships are held together. It was riveting"
Don't worry. Mt 6:25-34
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FOZZIE
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
the top ten GlynGlyn wrote:I'm trying (in vain) to find the "best 10 jokes at the Edinburgh Festival", of which I heard a few on the radio this morning.
I do remember this one:
"I watched a documentary about how ships are held together. It was riveting"
:: Dave's Top 10 funniest jokes from the Fringe Festival 2012
1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know why."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting."
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad'."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances."
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Del
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Jethro - We were so poor when I was a child, my Mother used to get all our clothes from the Army & Navy surplus store. You have no idea how embarrassing it was, turning up at school on a Monday morning dressed as a Japanese Admiral!
"My Mum always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana"
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Mark
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
this one made me laugh!
TRUE news story. NOT a joke. Maybe.
A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
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TRUE news story. NOT a joke. Maybe.
A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
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Bob C
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
A Lesbian has had the ultimate surgery. a (*******) 
Sorry Bob - I have starred that out, people can use their imagination for that one!!
Del
Sorry Bob - I have starred that out, people can use their imagination for that one!!
Del
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Glyn
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
This new car of mine keeps taking me to mid-Wales.
Must be the Powys-steering....
Must be the Powys-steering....
Don't worry. Mt 6:25-34
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Bob C
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Did you not like it Del, be honest... Don't forget no swearing lolol. but good clean fun.
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Del
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Of course I liked it Bob - as did the majority of our more 'senior' posters!! It was just the younger ones and Dorinda I was concerned for!!Bob C wrote:Did you not like it Del, be honest... Don't forget no swearing lolol. but good clean fun.
Keep them coming!
"My Mum always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana"
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Bob C
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
oooops Sorry Dorinda and all.
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The Beerhunter
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
On ITN last night they interviewed 3 women who claimed to have been assaulted by Jimmy Saville. They showed pictures of the women now and how they looked at the time of the alleged assaults. The caption underneath read "Now then, now then, now then".
Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grubb.
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Steve T
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Man walks into the Curry house and orders Chicken Tarka MasallaGlyn wrote:Lots of other FC forums have a jokes section(and we did on the penultimate one), so it's time we did.... but KEEP THEM CLEAN please or they will be deleted
Waiter says Chicken Tarka Masalla, what's that?
Man says it's like Chicken Tikka but just a little OTTER
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Del
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ......... And then I saw her face......
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful sods.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for goodness sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the cat!'
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ......... And then I saw her face......
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful sods.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for goodness sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the cat!'
"My Mum always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana"
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Scott
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
I was in Specsavers the other day and guess who I bumped into.........everyone 
I'll get my coat
I'll get my coat
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Del
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Two old ladies sat in deckchairs on the sea front when a streaker ran past.
One had a stroke .... but sadly the other one couldn't reach!!
"My Mum always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana"
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Glyn
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Smut warning....Del wrote:
Two old ladies sat in deckchairs on the sea front when a streaker ran past.
One had a stroke .... but sadly the other one couldn't reach!!
Don't worry. Mt 6:25-34
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Del
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
All in your mind - neither ladies were of good health you see!Glyn wrote: Smut warning....
"My Mum always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana"
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The Beerhunter
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Old Morecambe and Wise joke?Del wrote:
Two old ladies sat in deckchairs on the sea front when a streaker ran past.
One had a stroke .... but sadly the other one couldn't reach!!
Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grubb.
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Del
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Could be but I heard it via Bernard Manning actually -!!The Beerhunter wrote:
Old Morecambe and Wise joke?
"My Mum always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana"
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Glyn
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Nah, the old Morecambe and Wise joke isThe Beerhunter wrote:Old Morecambe and Wise joke?Del wrote:
Two old ladies sat in deckchairs on the sea front when a streaker ran past.
One had a stroke .... but sadly the other one couldn't reach!!
Two old ladies sat in deckchairs, one says "nice out isn't it", the other says "yes but you'd better put it away, there's two old men coming."
The old ones are the best....
Don't worry. Mt 6:25-34
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Glyn
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
My other half has threatened to end our relationship over my obsession with poker...
.... but I think she's only bluffing.....
.... but I think she's only bluffing.....
Don't worry. Mt 6:25-34
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Del
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
Glyn wrote:My other half has threatened to end our relationship over my obsession with poker...
.... but I think she's only bluffing.....
..... but I wouldn't bet on it!
"My Mum always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana"
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Soup Dragon
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, or whether Hednesford Town will get promoted this Season?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, or promotion for Hednesford Town, when you don't know shit?" And
then she went back to reading her book.
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, or whether Hednesford Town will get promoted this Season?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, or promotion for Hednesford Town, when you don't know shit?" And
then she went back to reading her book.
It took me years to understand "here's" from "hears", so their you go!
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Soup Dragon
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
It took me years to understand "here's" from "hears", so their you go!
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Del
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Re: It's time for the jokes, folks!
I just heard 'I didn't walk 500 miles' by the Disclaimers
Just bought a broken second hand time machine from my local junk shop - I plan to fix it, have lots of adventures then go back, get a refund and not buy it!
Just bought a broken second hand time machine from my local junk shop - I plan to fix it, have lots of adventures then go back, get a refund and not buy it!
"My Mum always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana"
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