It's time for the jokes, folks!

[Glyn]

This new phone I bought is no good. I set it to flight mode, threw it in the air, and it just fell to the floor and smashed

[Lee K]

This new phone I bought is no good. I set it to flight mode, threw it in the air, and it just fell to the floor and smashed

Don't give up your day job!

[Del]

This new phone I bought is no good. I set it to flight mode, threw it in the air, and it just fell to the floor and smashed

Don't give up your day job!

Couldn't resist this one!!!!

[Glyn]

Police Officer Test



How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?



QUESTION: You’re a policeman and on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, and screams something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

[Glyn]

The barman says "sorry, we don't serve time-travellers."

Doctor Who walks into a bar and asks for a pint.

[Glyn]

(Excuse lack of punctuation marks, I've just pasted this and life's too short!)

Woman:

Do you drink beer?


Man: Yes

Woman:

How many beers a day?


Man:

Usually about 3

Woman:


How much do you pay per beer?


Man: £5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:

And how long have you been drinking?

Man:

About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:


So a beer costs £5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be approximately £5400 …Correct?

Man:

Correct

Woman:


If in 1 year you spend £5400, not accounting for inflation, The past 20 years puts your spending at £108,000, Correct?





Man:


Correct

Woman:


Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, That money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, You could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:


Do you drink Beer?

Woman:


No

Man:


Where's your Ferrari?

[Glyn]

Man City fans will be delighted to learn they've signed Frank Lampard.

It will bring back happy memories of when they were Chelsea fans.

[Glyn]

Edinburgh Fringe Joke of the Year: Tim Vine:

"I'm getting rid of this vacuum cleaner, it's just gathering dust".

I so love the daft ones!

[The Beerhunter]

We've got tickets to see Tim Vine next April.

[Glyn]

We've got tickets to see Tim Vine next April.

Sorry, I don't get it

[The Beerhunter]

We've got tickets to see Tim Vine next April.

Sorry, I don't get it

You won't, it's sold out.

[Glyn]

We've got tickets to see Tim Vine next April.

Sorry, I don't get it

You won't, it's sold out.

[Soup Dragon]

What's the difference between Liverpool FC and Ebola?

Ebola is still a threat in Europe.

[Glyn]

What's the difference between Liverpool FC and Ebola?

Ebola is still a threat in Europe.

[Glyn]

Ron Jones, 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

[Glyn]

My mate has been sacked. He worked for the Highways Agency. I can't believe he was sacked for stealing, so I've just been round to see him. All the signs are there.

[Glyn]

Manchester City bought so many Arsenal players that they've ended up fourth

[Glyn]

Kevin Keegan‏@GalacticKeegan



I told Brendan Rodgers in 2015: yellow kits are unlucky. "What about Brazil?" he asked. I had to laugh. How many FA Cups have they ever won?

[Del]

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian:
'Excuse me Hen, dee ye hiv a book on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says:
‘Bugger off; ye'll no bring it back !'

[Glyn]

National Old Joke Day today, I'm indebted to Pete Morgan and his early show listeners on Radio WM for making me smile at about 0540 this morning:

"What time is it when an elephant sits in your fence?"

"Time to get a new fence"


A guy walks into a chip shop and asks for "a steak and kidley pie"

Owner says "Did you mean steak and kidney pie?"

"That's what I said diddle I?"


A bear walks into a pub.

"A pint of bitter please and....

.......

.......

.......

a whisky chaser"

Barman: "Why the long pause?"



I love the daft ones

[Glyn]

For anyone who wasn't listening to TMS yesterday when they got onto the zebra jokes, I can't remember most of them but....

Chap sitting in cinema waiting for film to start, Zebra sits down next to him.

"What on earth brings you in here?"

"Well, I enjoyed the book."

[Glyn]

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice, that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bl00dy car in the garage this time?"

[Glyn]

You'll have heard about the guy who broke into DFS and stole a sofa. Fined £800, but he can pay it off over four years in easy interest-free instalments....

[Glyn]

Thirteen months this thread has lain dormant! That may not be a coincidence.... anyway...

The wonderful Bob Mills: "I don't blame Mark Clattenburg at all. But I have turned down a job in Saudi Arabia three times. They tried to make me go to Riyadh but I said no, no, no."

[Philip Billing]

If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.